leverage behaviors to help shyness



I was talking to a guy on the phone today. He wanted some help with shyness. He had called to ask me if my hypnotic language stuff could help him. He said he wanted to be able to elicit emotional states in folks when he talked to them.

That’s a cool skill. I mean, everybody has it–but to be able to deliberately help someone get to a joyful state, for instance–fun.

Looking For The Outside To Change The Inside

When I asked a few questions I got to the crux of it. The guy was too shy to talk to people. Well, what good is hypnotic language going to do if he can’t talk to people in the first place? All the hypnotic language skill in the world is not gong to help him have better conversations unless he can have conversations in the first place!

What does the process in the mind that comes up with this strategy look like? It goes something like…

“I really wish I could talk to that person and get them to light up, but I don’t feel confident enough to talk to them. I bet hypnotic language will help me do that. Maybe I’ll buy a program on it!”

People are often looking for something on the outside to change the feeling they have on the inside. Sometimes it works. But in my experience, it’s a lot faster and better the other way around.

Change The Way You Feel And Your Results Will Change

If he had confidence when he thought about talking to people, then he’d just do it. He might do it well, he might do it poorly, but he’d do it. The leverage point is the thoughts immediately leading up to his decision about whether or not to talk to people, and the feelings those thoughts create.

If you’re working on yourself or with a client and you are working right at that point in time where the decisions are made, there’s a good chance you’re not getting the maximum leverage on the problem.

Change the feelings at that decision point and you change the behavior.

But most people seek to change those feelings by…

Searching For What To Do

About 98% of the advice out there on personal growth suggests what to do. And in some cases, it’s useful. If you want to be more organized for instance, it might help to buy an organizer and start writing your tasks down.

But the chances are, if you’re not currently organized well, there’s a feeling that’s stopping you. Many messy folks feel overwhelmed when they think about getting organized. If they didn’t have that feeling, they’d have a lot better shot at being successful. I’ll go so far as to say that buying an organizer will only be successful to the extent that it gets rid of that feeling!

In other words, if the feeling of overwhelm doesn’t change, the problem probably won’t either–no matter how many organizers you buy.

Many other problems in people’s lives are the same way. It’s a feeling that stops success. A different feeling would help them achieve success.

NLP & Hypnosis Offer Oodles Of Tools

NLP & Hypnosis offer many tools to change feelings and attach those feelings to a specific cue. There’s anchoring, direct suggestion, swish patterns, the new behavior generator, hypnotic metaphor

Have fun with it.

What About What To Do?

After you’ve got the emotions/behavior built in and integrated, you can always build skill.

If you get the emotions lined up and you still don’t have success, you might need some specific advice on what to do. Luckily, it’s a dime-a-dozen. Just buy a book or read Dear Abby.


About The Author:

Keith Livingston is the main instructor for Hypnosis 101. Keith has been studying hypnosis since he was a boy and doing hypnosis & NLP training since 1997.

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  1. I agree with you up to a point. You say in order to change the outside, you have to change the inside. I believe that to be true. However, the question still remains, how do we change the inside without outside instruction? we are looking for answers, and so far I havent seen it forthcoming. Can you tell us how to change our inside thoughts, etc? thank you in advance.

    My problem is, I feel I have lost so much in such a short period of time( in 6 months, I lost my mom, whom I loved dearly, and my horse. I wasnt aware of it at the time, but my mom helped me to keep the horse financially. After she died, then the money she had been providing went too.) How to I get over that overwhelming sense of loss, and get on with my life?

    1. Hello Claraetta,
      I’m sorry for your losses. It would be difficult, in one article, to take you through the process for getting over your sense of loss. There is an NLP grief process–I’d recommend you find someone in your area who knows it. Of course, each person is different and a different process may be better for you.

      We don’t necessarily need to change the inside without outside instruction. One way of changing the inside is to go to an expert.

      Good luck,

  2. Hi Keith,

    I so agree with your point. As a hypnotherapist myself, I suggest to people who come to me for weight loss that much of their success will come from accepting themselves and the body they have now. The rest will follow.

    I think that one of life’s biggest traps is “my life will be perfect when ….(I lose weight, get a better job, have a nicer car, have a girl/boyfirend”). Another of life’s big traps is “my life would have been perfect if….(I hadn’t gained weight, lost my expensive house, car, girl/boyfriend).”

    It not necessarily an easy mindset but it’s vital. Otherwise, life will never be “perfect.” Thanks for this post.

    Susan French

    1. Susan,
      I think there’s a balance. I think dissatisfaction with the way we are can be a big driver in changing for the better. It’s motivation.

      On the other hand, waiting for things to be perfect in order to feel good is a recipe for not feeling good. As is thinking that we can’t feel good because something didn’t happen the way we wanted it to in the past.


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